A tree planted in memory of Beatles guitarist George Harrison has been killed by actual beetles. The pine tree that was planted in a Los Angeles park in 2004 as a monument to the rock legend, was unable to survive the infestation of the insects. “It’s kind of appropriate that beetles killed the Harrison tree. I mean, the other Beatles basically killed George’s career with how they kept him in the background all the time,” said Harrison fan Jeff Klein. A new tree will be planted in the old tree’s place. Klein added, “That new tree will show those beetles who’s boss! Just like George showed John and Paul with All Things Must Pass!”
The Supreme Court made a key ruling today in the case of Smelt It v. Dealt It. In a 5-4 decision, the court decided that a person who admits to smelling a fart first, is indeed the one who “dealt it.” This overturns an earlier ruling that said smelling a fart first does not necessarily implicate the smeller as the farter. Judge Ruth Bader-Ginsburg said of the ruling, “I’ve cut some stinky ones in my day, and I know for sure that I was the first one to smell any fart-related odor. Anyone who says they smelt it indeed dealt it, and furthermore, anyone who denies it supplies it, and the one who speaks is the one who reeks.” This decision will have an affect on a related case, Sniffed It v. Biffed It.
In an attempt to drive Hamas from underground tunnels that lead into Israel, Israeli ground troops are offering free ice cream to any Hamas militants that surrender. “Who doesn’t love ice cream?” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We just thought that Hamas might enjoy some ice cream. It’s really hot in Gaza in case you haven’t noticed.” People on both sides are dubious about whether Israel has any ulterior motives behind Operation: Free Ice Cream. “It’s just ice cream. It’s not like there are armed commandos in the back of a heavily armored ice cream truck that are going to shoot any Hamas members on sight when they come out to get ice cream. That’s crazy talk,” added an Israeli Defense Force spokesperson.
Russian scientists and members of the Rebel Alliance are being sent to investigate a large hole that was discovered in Siberia last week. The giant crater appeared close to a forest in a desolate area, inviting all kinds of theories as to what caused it. A meteorite strike, a gas explosion, or possibly an eruption of underground ice could be potential explanations for the hole, but Commander Luke Skywalker of the Rebel Alliance was already lost while investigating it. “Looks like the landing site for an Imperial Probe Droid to me, ” said Captain Han Solo. “It’s a good bet the Empire knows we’re here.”
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 67- This week we’re considering some of the past week’s most troubling news stories in a roundtable discussion with some of our regular contributors. We’ll also consider the comeback of Broadway sensation Fannie Carmichael in our Consider the Sound series.
Scientists working on some large, all consuming problem that affects the entire planet have reportedly figured out a solution. After testing several different hypotheses and using various beakers and test tubes, it became obvious that there was a clear way to stop or cure whatever catastrophe has the potential to eradicate all life on Earth as we know it. But this scientific solution may not be enough by itself. “Science can only partially solve this problem. Regular, non-scientists need to do what they can as well. That means changing light bulbs, driving less, eating more fruit, getting exercise, remembering to wash up, and believing in evolution,” said a scientist looking into a microscope.
Pope Francis told an Italian newspaper this weekend that 1 in 50 Catholic clerics are pedophiles. The Pope has called the pedophilia scandal “a leprosy in our house” and said that even though only 2% of Catholic clergy are implicated in a new report, he still feels that number is far too high. The Pope also referred to another controversial report done by his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, that showed that despite sex abuse by clergy, 1 in 20 altar boys were “asking for it.” “That other report was just a poor attempt at a coverup,” said Pope Francis, who did not agree that wearing a tight cassock constituted “asking for it.”
In a COK News exclusive, here are a few passages that were left out of the letter LeBron James posted on Sports Illustrated.com, announcing his return to the Cleveland Cavaliers.
"I really will miss Miami. They have the best call girls ever. I mean, ever. I did stuff with them that the played-out scuzzes in Cleveland wouldn’t dream of. Oh well, at least I’ll get down there a few times a year. They also have these really good Italian ice things in Miami. I’ll miss those too."
"Bottom line, my mom made me do it. I’m a grown man, but when your mom says, ‘Move back to Cleveland!’ you do it."
"Another reason that I felt compelled to bring my talents back to the Cavaliers is because Pat Riley was always taking tons of pictures of my bare feet. That dude has some kind of fetish. It’s creepy. I hear he has a big blown up picture of Patrick Ewing’s feet at his house."
"i’m back. Let’s get to work. Until I finish up my career in L.A."
In an attempt to capitalize on what it already does so well, Facebook will now offer a new feature called “Better Than You.” This new addition to Facebook’s newsfeed will instantly show you every single thing that your friends are doing that is better than what you are doing. Based on a complex algorithm, Facebook will analyze your status and pictures to find any statuses or pictures that are way better and more interesting than yours. “Facebook is already a leader in making people feel bad about themselves by comparing what they’re doing to what their friends are doing. This takes it one step further. If you had some ice cream, we’ll show you how a bunch of people went to an awesome concert. If you went on a hike, we’ll show you pictures of your friend’s trip to Europe,” said Facebook creator, Mark Zuckerberg.
Saying that they literally can’t do much more to each other, Israel and Palestine plan to end their longstanding conflict in the next few days. “We knew all along that this was going to be the last barrage of missiles and airstrikes,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “You can only kidnap and bomb and threaten for so long before it gets tiresome.” Both sides agree that they have come to the end of a long and fruitful partnership. “We’ve done it all, and then some. It’s time to have a couple more good bombings and then go our separate ways,” Mr. Netanyahu added. The U.N. Security Council has reportedly been invited to the Israeli-Palestinian wrap party.