Michael Sam, the first openly gay player to play in the NFL, has been released by the St. Louis Rams, the team has announced. Coach Jeff Fisher said that Sam’s work on the field was good, but he just came up a bit short in making the 53-man roster. Fisher added, “I thought he’d be gayer, frankly. I have no problems with gay people or players, but for the first openly gay player, I was a bit underwhelmed by his gayness.” Sam was reportedly very hard working, and a positive force in the locker room, but he left a lot to be desired in the homosexuality department. “He never once snapped me with a wet towel or sang Cher songs, which is what I was hoping for,” said an anonymous teammate. “I mean, he wasn’t really blazing a trail for any of us closeted flamers with his non-gay behavior,” added another Rams player.
In a news conference yesterday, President Obama said the U.S. doesn’t yet have a strategy for how to deal with the growing Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. The extremist militant group has already brutally attacked non-Sunni groups, and seems to be increasingly organized and well-funded. In addition to gaining territory, ISIS has made other troubling moves, signaling they will not be going away any time soon. “Look, our intelligence shows they’ve started issuing driver’s licenses to people. That’s disturbing. They’ve also set up a tax code, built new ‘Sunni-only’ roads and schools, and balanced their budget,” added the president. It’s obvious that President Obama was upset at how much the Islamic State has accomplished when compared to Congress.
Superstar couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were secretly married in a private ceremony in France on Saturday. The wedding took place at Chateau Miraval. The couple registered for Swarovski vials to keep each other’s blood in, all five seasons of Breaking Bad on DVD, and third world children. They are hoping that people went together to purchase at least two of the refugee kids, because they only have six kids currently, and two more would be “heaven,” according to Ms. Jolie. “But eight is enough,” added Mr. Pitt.
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 71- This week we’re considering the latest on the deadly Ebola outbreak in West Africa in our Consider Your Health series. We’ll also consider some new slang words and phrases with Leslie and Constance Kincaid.
A new poll has been released this week about what groups and demographics find the Washington Redskins name offensive. Many Native American groups have called for the team name to be changed, and The Washington Post even announced last week that they would not longer allow the nickname to be used on the op-ed page. So, with all this public outcry, who really finds the name inappropriate? The results of the poll show that only a few select groups actually think the name should be changed. They include- Native Americans, Washington D.C. residents, people with Native American friends, white people, black people, Asian Americans, plumbers, college students, people with an annual household income of at least $25, the elderly, people who own property in the continental U.S., and anyone not named Daniel Snyder.
Napa Valley wineries and vineyards are lamenting the destruction wrought by a huge 6.0 magnitude earthquake that hit Northern California on Sunday. Many wineries lost some of their most cherished reserves, worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. “It’s a tragedy,” said winemaker Colin Saunders. “A lot of our high-end, single estate wines that retail between $40 and $100 a bottle were ruined.” The silver lining is that most consumers could never have afforded to buy these wines in the first place, so they aren’t going to miss out. “Yeah it’s sad, but I’m not spending $75 for a bottle of Riesling. Get real.” said consumer Lyle Brown.
In the wake of all the terrible news happening right now, President Obama took a preemptive measure this week by doing a lengthy photo shoot where he walked somberly and gravely to and from podiums in various locations. “It’ll just give us coverage when more bad stuff happens,” said Press Secretary Josh Earnest. With the President on vacation, it made sense for the White House to generate the stoic images for when a tragedy or conflict happens while he is on future vacations. “With how bad things are at home and abroad, it’s a smart move. Nothing reassures the nation more than seeing the president strolling somberly away from a podium,” added Mr. Earnest.
After being indicted by an Austin Grand Jury for an alleged abuse of power, Texas Gov. Rick Perry went to a courthouse to be booked on Tuesday. Because of a Texas law that Perry himself signed, he will not be afforded a hearing or trial, and will instead be immediately sentenced to death by public execution. In other states Perry’s overreach of authority would be seen as serious, but not a capitol offense. Perry remained defiant, and reiterated his innocence, but also seemed resigned to his fate saying, “Well folks, it’s a shame, but the law is the law. I guess I better start picking out my last meal. Ribs might be nice.”
Israel and Hamas have resumed airstrikes in the Gaza strip today, after their negotiated ceasefire came to an end. The resumption of violence casts serious doubts on the future of talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Citizens of Gaza were asked how they felt about this latest round of airstrikes. “The peace of the last few days was eerie. It was hard to get used to the lack of rocket fire and people bleeding in the streets,” said a Gaza resident. “It feels like home again,” added a woman named Mazal. “There’s just something about ducking behind rubble to avoid gunfire that makes this such a special place to live.”
President Obama returned to Washington on Sunday night, right in the middle of his two-week vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. The White House has been cagey about why the president came back to Washington, since he has been getting regular briefings on the situations in Iraq, Gaza and Ferguson, MO, while on vacation. Obama stopped briefly to address the media as he made his way across the White House lawn saying, “Look, everything is fine, no need to panic. I just came back because I forgot my boat shoes. I mean, I’m not going sailing in my loafers. Also, I was worried I left the stove on, so I’ll just check that while I’m here.”