Consider Our Knowledge

Public Radio's Finest Parody

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NFL Suspends Its Off-Season ‘Hit Anything’ Program Indefinitely

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In the wake of several abuse and domestic violence scandals, and mounting criticism of its subsequent handling of them, the NFL has decided to halt its off-season ‘Hit Anything’ program that encourages players to stay in football shape by hitting things. “We may have missed the mark a bit with our ‘Hit Anything’ campaign,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “I never dreamed that our players would take ‘anything’ to mean their wives, girlfriends, and various illegitimate children. We work so hard to get our players to have that killer instinct, and it honestly never occurred to me that our league’s culture of violence might spill over into their off-field activities. Whoops.”

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Podcast Wins Well Deserved and Overdue Award

The hilarious news satire and NPR parody podcast, Consider Our Knowledge won an Arty Award for Best Comedic Podcast last week. The Artys are annual awards given to the best in artistic achievement by Salt Lake City Weekly magazine. “We’re truly humbled by this honor,” said the show’s host and executive producer, Conor Bentley. “It’s great validation for the whole COK team, who works so hard every week. It’s also nice to know we’ve won something that All Things Considered hasn’t won. Take that, Audie, Melissa and Robert!” Click this link to see all of the fabulous 2014 Arty Award winners. http://bit.ly/1uJ3dSk

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"The Roosevelts" Offers Up Perfect Distraction From First World Problems

Ken Burns’ new documentary, The Roosevelts, began airing on Sunday night on PBS stations. It was a welcome distraction for liberal, college educated, upper-middle class people who have been feeling the strains of their ever more hectic lives lately. “After hearing about the difficulties of organic farming on NPR, and what’s really in my pumpkin spice latte, it was nice to just relax with a craft beer and some Ken Burns,” said philosophy grad student Devin Graves. “The dulcet tones of Peter Coyote’s voice and the black and white photographs just made me forget all about how I forgot my reusable bags when I went to Whole Foods today,” added photographer/writer Sadie Lombard.

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Adrian Peterson Joins Ray Rice in Royally Ruining Fantasy Football Teams Nationwide

Following on the heels of Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension by the NFL for knocking his girlfriend unconscious, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson will not play on Sunday after being arrested on child abuse charges. Peterson allegedly hit one of his illegitimate children with a switch back in May. Clearly both men were not thinking about the many fantasy football owners who have them on their teams when they committed these reprehensible acts. “What was AP thinking?” asked fantasy owner Jay Morgan. “That guy could wreck my season now. How selfish can you be? I mean, I’ve got twenty bucks on the line here.”

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Wheaties Decides to Pull Box Featuring Rice, Pistorius

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Wheaties has decided to pull the latest box of their iconic cereal because the athletes pictured on it have been at the heart of controversy. Ray Rice, who has been suspended by the NFL indefinitely for punching his then-fiance, and Oscar Pistorius, who was just found guilty of negligent homicide after shooting his girlfriend, will not appear on a new “special edition” box. “We might have picked the wrong athletes for our ‘Male Strength’ campaign,” said Wheaties spokesperson Rick Dorian. “We would hate to alienate all of the women and little girls who love waking up with a bowl of our Wheaties, by having those two horrible men on our box.” Nobody had the heart to tell Mr. Dorian that Wheaties aren’t that good, and that nobody really eats them anymore anyway.

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Obama: Plan to Stop ISIS Is “Simpler Than We’re Making It”

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In a televised speech last night, President Obama outlined his plan for how to deal with the threat of the Islamic State. “Look, this thing is way easier than we first thought. We’ve already gone from a fifty-seven pronged plan to a thirty-eight pronged plan. It’s so much simpler than we’re making it. I hope to eliminate a few more prongs, but we’ll have to see.” Obama went on to say that he feels confident that a coalition force led by the U.S. will easily root out this growing terrorist threat. “This isn’t going to be messy like Vietnam, or Afghanistan, or the first two Iraq wars, or Libya- we totally over complicated those ones- way too many prongs. That’s one mistake we won’t make here. When you have too many prongs, that’s when stuff goes bad,” added a confident Obama.

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How to Dispose of Old Drugs

For years, disposing of unused narcotic painkillers or other drugs left you with few options. You could toss them in the trash, flush them down the toilet, or mix them together to invent some sweet new thing that would get you super high. Now the DEA is allowing drugstores, hospitals with pharmacies, drug makers, and even drug-treatment centers to serve as collection points for unused narcotics. The idea is to not only keep drugs from affecting the environment through improper disposal, but to help cut down on the abuse of  prescription drugs. ”The stuff that is too old will be handled and disposed of properly, while the primo shit will be dealt with accordingly,” said a shady looking pharmacist named Ernie who winked while he spoke. Walgreens said they plan to “probably put some kind of lock or something” on their dumpster when this regulation goes into effect.

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Blue Whales Humping Like Humpback Whales

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According to new reports there are now about 2,200 blue whales off the West Coast, this coming after the threat of extinction led to them being protected from whalers. Researchers at the University of Washington call their findings a conservation success story, and are impressed with the whales’ ability to bump uglies. “The blue whales have gotten really good at boinking. We’re really encouraged by their ability to do the underwater mambo,” said Ray Glazer, a doctoral student in quantitative ecology with an emphasis in whale sex. The research team is planning to release their study to the public soon under the title, It’s Not the Size That Counts It’s The Motion of the Ocean: A Study in Gettin’ it On

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