Despite calls for an immediate cease fire in Gaza, Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says that the violent operation against Hamas will last until Israel’s mission is complete. “I think we’re looking at forever or something close to that,” said Mr. Netanyahu. “The way this thing is going I could see our operation going at least that long. Maybe infinity or eternity though, it’s too soon to tell.” Israel and Iran also set a date to discuss creating a peace treaty- Never.
A new report by the Pew Research Center shows that people who are self described as happy are more likely to live longer, and also really annoy everyone else. In the report happiness was graded on a scale from 1 to 100, with 50 being moderately happy, and 100 being nausiateingly happy. Those who scored near 100 were 45% more likely to live longer healthier lives, as well as be 65% more annoying to everyone else who has to see them happily prance about like they’re God’s gift to the damn world. Maybe I don’t want to live longer, maybe I am happy. Who else needs a drink?
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has presented Israel and Hamas with a plan for a seven-day cease fire in their increasingly bloody conflict. While details of Kerry’s truce proposal are still murky, it is clear that neither side wants this cease fire. In order to even get his plan on the table, Kerry had to present the truce as, “a good seven day re-arming period, so you can really bomb the crap out of each other once it’s over.” While he waits for an answer, Kerry will make plans for the next stop on his 2014 Hell in a Hand Basket World Tour. Ukraine and Iraq are the likely choices.
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 68- This week we’re considering the 45th anniversary of the moon landing in our American History series, Consider Ourselves. We’ll also consider how global warming is affecting the spread of infectious diseases in a new installment of Consider Your Health.
A tree planted in memory of Beatles guitarist George Harrison has been killed by actual beetles. The pine tree that was planted in a Los Angeles park in 2004 as a monument to the rock legend, was unable to survive the infestation of the insects. “It’s kind of appropriate that beetles killed the Harrison tree. I mean, the other Beatles basically killed George’s career with how they kept him in the background all the time,” said Harrison fan Jeff Klein. A new tree will be planted in the old tree’s place. Klein added, “That new tree will show those beetles who’s boss! Just like George showed John and Paul with All Things Must Pass!”
The Supreme Court made a key ruling today in the case of Smelt It v. Dealt It. In a 5-4 decision, the court decided that a person who admits to smelling a fart first, is indeed the one who “dealt it.” This overturns an earlier ruling that said smelling a fart first does not necessarily implicate the smeller as the farter. Judge Ruth Bader-Ginsburg said of the ruling, “I’ve cut some stinky ones in my day, and I know for sure that I was the first one to smell any fart-related odor. Anyone who says they smelt it indeed dealt it, and furthermore, anyone who denies it supplies it, and the one who speaks is the one who reeks.” This decision will have an affect on a related case, Sniffed It v. Biffed It.
In an attempt to drive Hamas from underground tunnels that lead into Israel, Israeli ground troops are offering free ice cream to any Hamas militants that surrender. “Who doesn’t love ice cream?” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We just thought that Hamas might enjoy some ice cream. It’s really hot in Gaza in case you haven’t noticed.” People on both sides are dubious about whether Israel has any ulterior motives behind Operation: Free Ice Cream. “It’s just ice cream. It’s not like there are armed commandos in the back of a heavily armored ice cream truck that are going to shoot any Hamas members on sight when they come out to get ice cream. That’s crazy talk,” added an Israeli Defense Force spokesperson.
Russian scientists and members of the Rebel Alliance are being sent to investigate a large hole that was discovered in Siberia last week. The giant crater appeared close to a forest in a desolate area, inviting all kinds of theories as to what caused it. A meteorite strike, a gas explosion, or possibly an eruption of underground ice could be potential explanations for the hole, but Commander Luke Skywalker of the Rebel Alliance was already lost while investigating it. “Looks like the landing site for an Imperial Probe Droid to me, ” said Captain Han Solo. “It’s a good bet the Empire knows we’re here.”
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 67- This week we’re considering some of the past week’s most troubling news stories in a roundtable discussion with some of our regular contributors. We’ll also consider the comeback of Broadway sensation Fannie Carmichael in our Consider the Sound series.
Scientists working on some large, all consuming problem that affects the entire planet have reportedly figured out a solution. After testing several different hypotheses and using various beakers and test tubes, it became obvious that there was a clear way to stop or cure whatever catastrophe has the potential to eradicate all life on Earth as we know it. But this scientific solution may not be enough by itself. “Science can only partially solve this problem. Regular, non-scientists need to do what they can as well. That means changing light bulbs, driving less, eating more fruit, getting exercise, remembering to wash up, and believing in evolution,” said a scientist looking into a microscope.