President Obama was unable to make a routine purchase at a Washington, D.C. Bed Bath & Beyond store this weekend after the manager required Obama to show them his “long-form gift certificate.” The gift card he hoped to use was a thank you gift from departing Attorney General, Eric Holder. “Look, I just stopped in there on my way to a campaign event to get a neck massager and some bath beads, and they said I needed some long-form gift certificate,” said the president. Apparently the store needed more proof that his gift card was legitimate, and so the president had to call Mr. Holder to obtain the long-form version of his gift certificate. “We’ll get this cleared up quickly, I hope,” added Mr. Obama.
The Senate and the House of Representatives have issued a joint statement, saying that they intend to postpone absolutely everything until after the mid-term elections. “We’re even postponing postponements,” said House Speaker John Boehner. Both houses, and both Democrats and Republicans feel that putting off votes and actual work until after the elections next month will allow them to really dive in and postpone things when they get back in session. “I’m relieved that we’ve come together to put off putting things off,” added Senator Harry Reid. “It will free up time to think about new ways to not do anything when we come back after the election.”
In the wake of so many recent cases of police shooting unarmed suspects, police academies all over the country are attempting to stem the ugly trend by reinstating a tried and true practice. “We’ve got to start teaching the art of planting weapons on suspects again,” said Captain Frank Kildare of the St. Louis Police Academy. “It’s the obvious course of action when you notice that the guy you just shot wasn’t armed.” Critics say that this is a terrible idea, citing that it encourages unethical behavior and tampering with crime scenes, while law enforcement officials say that it is the cheapest and most efficient way to avoid criticism when unarmed people are killed by police. “Do you know how hard it is to tell whether someone is armed or not? Trust me, this is way easier to teach. Shooting first and asking questions later is what being a cop is all about,” added Capt. Kildare.
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 78- This week we’re considering a revolutionary method being used to treat stubborn bacterial infections in a new installment of our Consider Your Health series. We’ll also consider what you can do with fruits and vegetables harvested from your garden with Jen Cornetto-Kody, host of the popular cooking show, The Amazing Plate.
91 arriving passengers at New York’s JFK Airport were screened for Ebola based on their recent travel in the past few days, but none were found to have the disease. 63 of them did test positive for genital herpes, however, most of them having just returned from weekend trips to Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Tijuana, Mexico. “No Ebola yet, thank god,” said CDC director, Dr. Tom Frieden. “It’s been pretty normal here at JFK, just your routine cases of herpes, crabs, and the clap. It’s a big international airport, so you’ll get lots of herpes and stuff passing through. I would just urge people to be careful when having disgusting, unprotected sex on a bachelor party trip, and make sure to find out if their escort or prostitute has Ebola.”
Thanks to a unanimous vote by the Seattle city council, the Columbus Day holiday will now be known by a different name: Indigenous People’s Day. The controversy surrounding Christopher Columbus’ legacy, as well as no major holidays honoring native peoples, has created the desire for a day that celebrates the tribes who were marginalized and discriminated against by Europeans like Columbus. Chris Columbus-Sanders, one of Columbus’ decedents, says that Seattle and other cities are missing the point of this holiday, “They just don’t get the holiday at all. Columbus Day symbolizes so much- Italian heritage, the victory of Europeans over way, way less civilized groups, the legacy of an arthritic explorer who never actually set foot in the United States. Columbus Day has it all.” Mr. Columbus-Sanders went on to say that if the indigenous peoples want a holiday they better take over somebody else’s land by force soon, and threw out the idea of diseased blankets as a way to get the ball rolling.
Egypt is hosting a one-day conference about Gaza’s future- specifically rebuilding the Palestinian territory’s infrastructure that was crippled in 50 days of fighting between Hamas and Israel. Envoys from dozens of donor nations gathered to see about raising $4 billion, which is the figure quoted by the Palestinians. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry attended and was unsure if that number could be met. “The big thing here is to get stuff built before the next war. It’s tough because that could literally happen at any time. We need contractors and construction companies who can get some new bombable structures up in a hurry,” said Mr. Kerry. “It is imperative to get rubble cleared away so that it can make room for even more rubble when this conflict inevitably gets started again,” added UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.
Kim Jong Un, who hasn’t been seen in public for more than a month, failed to show at a major national ceremony yesterday, fueling speculation that something is wrong with the North Korean leader. There has been no hard evidence about what has become of Mr. Kim, and North Korean television has said only that Kim is suffering from “discomfort.” But it was reported that several members of his inner circle had been frantically watching the 1989 comedy film, “Weekend at Bernie’s” on a loop for the last few days. This has led some to believe that he is dead and that North Korean officials are planning to use tactics from “Weekend at Bernie’s” to make it appear as if Mr. Kim is still alive. As of this morning, North Korean officials had sent for copies of “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead,” and “Weekend at Bernie’s II,” as well as actors Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy.
The U.S. Supreme Court is back in session this week for a new term, and is hearing arguments in a wide variety of cases. While they said they will not hear any same sex marriage cases, they will hear Versus v. Versus, a copyright infringement case brought by the cable sports network against Versace’s clothing line aimed at younger customers. They will also hear Spy v. Spy which addresses the correct uniform color (white or black) for U.S. operatives, and a case that centers on the rights of non-resident aliens, Alien v. Predator.
CONSIDER OUR KNOWLEDGE NUMBER 77- This week we’re taking a break from fake news and satire for a look behind the scenes of our show. Consider this extended blooper reel of some more hilarious outtakes from the best looking news team in public radio. Explicit Content Warning.