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Feminism Just About Over

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Feminist leaders announced this week that they are “pretty much done” with their advocacy movement that began in the late 19th Century as a way to gain rights for women on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. “Pretty close to equal feels like equal, so that about wraps our movement up,” said feminist leader Joy Francis. “I think reproductive rights, equal pay, instances of sexual assault, workplace discrimination, the objectification of women by the media, and domestic violence will probably end up working themselves out eventually. We’ll be fine.” Feminism’s core leadership plans to throw a farewell party, but the refreshments and decor will unfortunately be sparse since women only make 77 cents on the dollar relative to their male counterparts.

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Eric Holder Leaving Justice Dept. For Music Career

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Attorney General Eric Holder announced last week that intends to leave the Justice Department as soon as his successor is confirmed. Holder’s term as the fourth-longest tenured AG in history has been marked by civil rights advances, national security threats, and reforms to the criminal justice system. “My time as the Attorney General is at and end,” Holder said in a statement. “It’s time for me to get back to my roots, play some tunes, and get funky.” He will reportedly be putting together a new version of his college band- Big Eric and the Holder Company for a tour of the sub-continent in early 2015. “I’d say our immediate influences are Iggy and the Stooges, Kraftwerk, and early Bowie,” Mr. Holder added.

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Consider Derek Jeter’s Last Game at Yankee Stadium

Here are some photos depicting shortstop Derek Jeter’s final game at Yankee Stadium, a 6-5 win over the Baltimore Orioles.

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Two of his teammates dump ice cold Gatorade on Jeter after he drove in the winning run last night. Now what will the other thirsty Yankees drink?

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Jeter has a fleeting moment of happiness after he hits the game-winning single, then comes crashing back to reality when he remembers that the Yankees are going to miss the playoffs, his career is over, and the ultimate destruction of the Earth will render all of his many accomplishments pointless.

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Jeter notices that he has dirt on his pants. How embarrassing. 

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Fans take a selfie before the game with the new iPhone 6. It will be bent beyond recognition by the end of the night.

Filed under new york yankees derek jeter baseball sports iphone

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Airstrikes Target Islamic State’s Oil- Wait! Not the Oil!

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Allied airstrikes continued in Iraq and Syria with the U.S., Saudi Arabia, and the United Arab Emirates participating in this round of attacks which targeted Islamic State’s oil assets. When asked about the drone and jet attacks on mobile refineries that produce 300-500 barrels of petroleum each day, President Obama said, “We did what?! Not the oil! Oh man! Seriously? That’s like the only reason we’re doing this.” Several senior officials fainted and became physically ill when they learned how much the oil the Allied Coalition just destroyed was worth.

Filed under oil ISIS Islamic State President Obama obama iraq syria

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NASA Probe Proves Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

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NASA’s MAVEN spacecraft conducted a 33-minute burn of its six main engines to ease into an orbit around Mars after a nearly yearlong, 442 million-mile voyage from Earth. The probe was able to determine as it began its study of the red planet, that men originated from Mars some billions of years ago. “This new evidence proves what relationship expert John Gray, Ph.D. postulated in his landmark book,” said a NASA scientist. “What MAVEN uncovered today is just so remarkable. Now that we know men are indeed originally from Mars, it is fair to assume, based on some of our scientific modeling, that women are from Venus.”

Filed under men are from mars women are from venus NASA Mars Venus

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Secret Service: We’ve Kinda Been Taking This Presidency Off

The Secret Service is reporting that a man was able to get past security and into the White House yesterday. Omar J. Gonzales, 42, reportedly ignored warnings from security and was finally apprehended at 7:20 p.m. Friday, but not before he entered the White House’s North Portico doors. President Obama and his family had already left the White House for Camp David for the weekend. This is not the first incident in recent years to call into question the failings of the Secret Service. “To tell the truth, we’ve all been kind of coasting through this presidency,” said a Secret Service official. “The Bush years wore us out, so sue us. I know it’s our bad, but the guy didn’t even have a weapon, and the president wasn’t even home, so what’s the big deal? I think this is getting blown a little out of proportion.”

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Scotland Inadvertently Votes to Join Russia

In a landmark vote, Scotland voted on Thursday whether or not to become independent from the United Kingdom. After the votes were tallied it appeared that Scotland had actually voted to join Russia by a 65% to 35% margin. “We welcome our new Scottish brothers to the great nation of Russia,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin in a statement. Scots were understandably stunned by the news, and many assumed Russia had tampered with the vote somehow. “We know nothing about any voter fraud,” said Mr. Putin slyly. “We must now get to work. Russia looks forward to adding Scotland’s trademark hooliganism and paleness to our own,” he added.

Filed under Russia scotland united kingdom Vladimir Putin scottish independence

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NFL Suspends Its Off-Season ‘Hit Anything’ Program Indefinitely

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In the wake of several abuse and domestic violence scandals, and mounting criticism of its subsequent handling of them, the NFL has decided to halt its off-season ‘Hit Anything’ program that encourages players to stay in football shape by hitting things. “We may have missed the mark a bit with our ‘Hit Anything’ campaign,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “I never dreamed that our players would take ‘anything’ to mean their wives, girlfriends, and various illegitimate children. We work so hard to get our players to have that killer instinct, and it honestly never occurred to me that our league’s culture of violence might spill over into their off-field activities. Whoops.”

Filed under nfl abuse roger goodell football Sports